Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You don't make any sense
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