Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
