Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
