dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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