i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
