This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
