My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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