My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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