i just sent this text using only my big toe
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
