He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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