Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
