I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
