Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
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and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
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That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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