my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I am naked and annoyed.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
