If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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