Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
