Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
