I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
