my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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