i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
