Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize