Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think I am morally bankrupt
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Is it because I queefed?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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