I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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