I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
