It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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