I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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