Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
