did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
