her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
