So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
