If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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