I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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