I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
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I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
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i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.