Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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