those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
