on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
