I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
