Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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