oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
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Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
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i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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