Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
