Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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