I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
