I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
