So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
