she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
