his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
