Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
