he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
the liver wants what the liver wants
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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