My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
