Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
