Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
