No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
