I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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