I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
