You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
