Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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