i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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