I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
