I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
