I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
