I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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